Home away from home

Wow.

2009-07-31T09:15:16Z

Wow. It has been a while. I have moved to another blog and Facebook. But the thing that pulled me back here is that I cant blog on that blog service from my office.

But I can here! Hmm oh well.

Anyway, glad to be back. :)

Kuala Lumpur Twin Towers

2008-02-06T07:57:12Z

This is the picture of the Petronas Twin Towers.

I hang out there almost every weekend.

I dont mean just shopping. Theres this huge park there which is just fantastic to hang out at, but the weather in my country is hot, so when it gets too hot, I just go back inside the Twin Towers.

I can spend a day there. Theres a small modern mosque there where you can take a shower and stuffs so you can basically just hang out there from day to night.

But that was then when I didnt have any computer much less an internet connection at home.
But it is good to hang out there/:)

A return to normalcy!

2008-02-04T14:55:18Z

First of all I want to apologize for not blogging more often these days. The reasons are simple, one, I have no internet connection at home and 2, im busy with my new work and 3, i didnt have a lap top.

ok,
now two things have changed.
a. i got a laptop.
b. just got a portable modem today!!! so that means no more excuses for not posting more often!

InsyaAllah and Alhamdulillah!

Testing times

2008-01-24T03:39:02Z

I took down what I wrote about my unpleasant encounter with an American student after I offered to help him by showing him around Kuala Lumpur, he then turned out to be a jesuit and wanted me to renounce my faith in Islam.

Anyway. after talking to an imam, I calmed down very much. A friend of mine was also helpful and told me not blamed myself. This is a test from God, it was meant to happen so there is a good reason because I have no idea what I was getting myself into. According to my friend, God is preparing me for something by putting me through these tests so it is not a bad thing.

The Iman was just helpful in calming me down.

I took down the article because it was just too negative and full of hate. I have just decided to move on.

Starbucks, Cloverfield and updates

2008-01-18T14:52:43Z

I finally got a laptop.
I dont have an internet connection at home, so Im at Starbuck. Came straight after work. Nothing to do at home anyway. I dont have a tv at home. But I know I have tons of things to read.

Im settling down to the new work.
Im finally a writer, it was what I originally applied for.
Back to regular normal hours and normal off days on the weekend.
The new boss is cool and fair, she needs to keep sending me out and about, I got no problem with that or with her.
Im just grateful to God for giving me a chance. I enjoy writing for a paper.
Oh yeah, this Sunday, my story got to front page of the inside pullout. Man, I am grateful to God for that.
Dont want to let it go to my head. Theres just a lot to learn, always.

Oh yeah, watched Cloverfield.
Man, its just something you dont see that often, but cool anyway. Love this monster movie flick.
Wished the ending would be happier though. But still, it is a cool movie.

Made friends with an American studying at a local university during one of my writing assignment. I was the first Malay that he had a positive conversation with. I just laughed at him. Told him I could take him around and introduce the town to him. Told him Im alien here as well but Im managing.
I told him that he needs to learn the language.
man, he had been here for 8 months now and he hadnt learn the language and that is not good.
Im gonna try to teach him some basic if that is possible lol.

I miss the people here.
I miss you guys.
Glad to be back.
:)

Happy belated Muslim New Year!

2008-01-12T08:43:38Z

I want to wish a belated Muslim New Year or Maal Hijrah to Muslims and non-muslims too.

Muharram is the new year in Muslim calendar which is a lunar calendar. It is also called Hijrah which means migration because it was dated on the date Prophet Muhammad emegrate to Madinnah from Mecca.

So it fell on Thursday last week. ;)

2008 fired... rehired

2008-01-02T09:30:42Z

Recently I came this closed to losing my job. Well, in a way, I did lost my job in this department.
Ironically, Im going to be posted to the position which I had originally applied for.

So Alhamdulillah.

The reason Im writing this was to share with you what I experienced.
The truth was, I was really out of the job. It came as a surprised and I was unprepared for it.
In my dazed state, the only thing I remembered was that I need to perform Asar prayer at the surau (small prayer hall).
It was there, I found symphathetic ears who then boosted me up and told me to pray Asar and go to meet my big boss directly.
Afterwards, I did and today, I got the black and white letter telling me where and when to start on my new job at the original position which I had applied for from the very beginning. Even though it will be for a 3 month probation period, I am thankful and grateful to Allah always.

What I planned to do from now on is, of course to do my best and more, but also to prepare for the worse which I hadnt and things just caught me by surprise.

Alhamdulillah.
If I didnt go to the surau, I wouldnt have met those fellow Muslim brothers who helped me boost my confidence to do the right thing.
Alhamdulillah.

Tesing times

2007-12-29T07:40:17Z

I have been going through one test after another.
From the start of me coming here to work, I have encountered one problem after another.
First, was finding a place to stay, and to date I have moved 4 times since beeing here.
Then, in just a few short periods, I got sick 2 times that almost drove me crazy.
And just as I am about to recover, I got the news that I wont be confirmed... all because I reported a racial incident to my big boss.

Anyway, these are just tests from God.
I am trying to deal with all these as best as a I possibly can. Its just day by day struggle.

I am tired but I dont want to give up.
Pray for me ok.

Fired? and surrender

2007-12-27T11:59:29Z

Today, on my 2nd day at work, on the 27th, my supervisor told me.. he wont confirm me.

and the bastard immediately asked me, what am I gonna do next?
he even added that my last day would be on the 4th of January.

Thankfully, perhaps because of the shock of it, I was cool about it. Alhamdulillah. Thank you God for not making me panic.

It didnt sinked in immediately..

And when I went to Surau (prayer hall), a couple of senior guys who were from the other sister newspaper told me to finish solat (prayer) and go and see my boss directly, face to face, without the middle man.

And I did,..
Before I know it, the guy who fired me was visited by the big boss and then relayed to me if I want to be a reporter?

????
Of course I said yes!

Dude, I was told that I would be jobless on the 4th of Jan, and you are asking if I want a job after you just fired me?

Of course I said yes.

And now,
I have to wait for the date when I should start my new work on the newsdesk.
I dont know what the future will bring, but I put my trust in Allah. He helped me and I am grateful.
I must be faithful to Allah.

What a day. Just amazing.

And, if the next time things could repeat itself, I now know I must be prepared for the worst.
I didnt this time. I thought being confirmed was a done deal. I thought the racial attack on me by my supervisor's colleague would be taken cared off.

Alhamdulillah. All praises and thanks is to God. I am still here because of God's pleasure. I surrender to Allah!
Allahhuakbar! Allah is Great!

Am back at work

2007-12-26T16:37:48Z

Am now back in KL. Typing this at work btw. Im working till 2 in the morning.
Did I mention I work at night? Most of the time its 3pm to 11pm. Today its double shifts, thus the 2am thing.

Yesterday, leaving was hard. Had an attack that was trying to prevent me from leaving. Very confused and left me in a daze. I wished I could have left in a clarity rather than having to wrestle some demons.

Anyway, arrived in the big city in one piece. Couldnt sleep. Went to the mall and watched Aliens VS Predator2. Slept while watching that. It was boring anyway.

Feel far better when I woke up. Working in the big city sucks sometimes, but Demons sucks even more.

Leaving Kedah, my home

2007-12-25T01:15:58Z

Its hard to leave.
Thats one the first thoughts that came to me this morning.
Thank God, it went away because if it lingers any longer, I might not want to leave my home ever.

So its 9am. I have been packing my stuffs and cleaning bits and stuffs since morning and decided to write in. Took some pics on my camera phone and uploaded it up.

Reminded me how different I am back home when compared to in the big city.
Here, I wake up early, from the break of dawn to run the place.
Back in the big city I would stay in bed way up to 10am or 11am!
Its crazy!
Its like I am 2 different people. But perhaps because I enjoy taking care of my home, of my life back here, taking care of my parents and stuffs. Granted I dont have much money here but I wasnt starving. I was happy.
Im still dealing with living in the big city. The loneliness gets to me.

Anyway,
Im gonna miss this place. I know.. Im just a big cry baby. Im sentimental. But I am grateful to be able to feel this way. I am grateful to God. It is a blessing. But I am also grateful that it doesnt linger because I need to go back to my job in the big city.

I am doing that for the money. For the income. Save enough to perhaps start a business or something. Small shop somewhere. Im not that materialistically ambitious. I do enjoy what the money from my work brings, the ability to buy things I need and stuffs. But I realized happiness doesnt come from money or things. It comes from the people around you, who loves you, who nags you etc.

I care about my home, my people, my parents. Thats me.
Still gonna miss this place. But I have to be positive, even about leaving.
:)

Last Night in home town

2007-12-24T16:38:08Z

Im going back tomorrow to KL.
Went driving around the same daily routes when I was living here so its good. It was my routine. I missed that as much as I missed the physical place of my home.
My parents left for Australia for a short vacation so I had the whole place to myself.. and the whole time/days to myself so it was good.
A friend thought I had maids at home taking care of my parents or something. No. Just only them and the cats. I took care of my mom and the house without much help. I managed everything here. So thats one the reason why I missed this place so much.
Going to make sure I keep everything secure before I leave. So gonna leave after everything been taking care off.
It has been great. I am grateful to have this oppurtunity to be back and relax. Alhamdulillah. Thank You Allah for everything.

I love being home

2007-12-22T15:46:00Z

O God, I love being home.
After being sick and away, being home is exactly what I needed.
Man, it feels good to be back.

We celebrated Eid Adha here on the 20th. I am staying until christmas. My parents just left today for Australia, leaving the house all to myself.

Ahhh..its so relaxing being home.

I noticed something during the day. I feel like Im a different person back home. I am more relax about things. And even the way I surt the internet feels different. Back in the big city, I am more political. I read up on stuffs. But here, none of that matters much. I feel relaxed and at peace.
I missed this.
Sure... the big city, I earn ok money. And before, I wasnt. But life was ok even without much.
In the city, I may have money, but I am not that happy...I want to.. Im working on that .... but the fact that you need to work at making yourself happy instead of happiness being a natural thing like it is with me back home..its just feel weird.

Im not saying Im giving up. A lot of people depend on me. I just need to make it work.

But in the meantime, I am now at home and I am just soaking this wonderful time.
:)

Happy Eid Adha!

2007-12-20T02:03:07Z

I want to wish all Muslims a Happy Adha celebrations! Edil Adha is a one of the two biggest religious celebrations for Muslims. It is to commemorate the deeds and action of Prophet Abraham, specifically on the subject of sacrifice in relations to iman (faith).

I am now posting this back home. Came back home yesterday.
Its good to be home.

I am thankful to God for the many blessings and the guidance.
Thank you Allah!
Alhamdulillah (All praises belongs to God)

Be well and be safe
:)

What happened to me

2007-12-12T13:42:41Z

Ok lets just jump into it.
I got sick.
Being away from home and alone in the big city, did not make my situation any better.

So what happened to me?
Way back in 1996 when I got the big one, the time I got really sick.
With God help, I managed to survive and got well, my friend and mentor who found and welcomed me reminded me the conditions for me to stay well:
1) I have to let go of my love for music.
2) No Zina.

the first one was hard but not impossible. Still, it took me years to really just quit. I am still tempted from time to time but its been lesser these days.

Now, the 2nd one, if you been reading this blog, you know that I cant have sex outside of marriage (zina). I cant commit zina. This second one is a big one because if I do cross the line, I will go crazy.

Now, all this while I thought that zina concerns strictly no intercourse.
But I have now come to understand it also means no making out, no kissing, no touching etc outside of marriage. Nothing sexual.
If I do, I get sick.

So, you may wonder how does that work? How from making out etc to getting sick?

Well, sick or not, zina is forbidden by God. Zina means sexual relations (intercourse or not) that occurs out of wedlock. In a marriage, it is no longer call zina.

Ok, now, if you go against God, you will be punished. And punishment comes in many forms.
For some, when you go against God, you become vulnerable to attack by demons/iblis/syaitan/jinns.
And I deal with them, if you been reading me, they come for me, waiting until my shields are down and Im vulnerable, like when I cross the line and boundaries for people like me.

And I crossed the line.
No, I didnt have sex. But I still crossed the line.
And BOOM!

I got sick. Seriously sick.

How it feels like? Your spirit, gets pummeled/assaulted by just bad bad forces/things/demons/energy creatures etc
You are alive but inside you feel like you are dead. And intense fear/nervousness/stress for no reason what so ever. Yes, you can say you feel like you are going crazy.
The feeling of fear is the worse.
I actually wanted to quit my job and just ran away.
It was chaos and it was crazy.

Only by the Grace and Mercy of God did I slowly recover.
And I am still recovering but I am feeling much much better than a few weeks ago.

Alhamdulillah, all praises and thanks is to Allah.
I am humbled, I surrender.

I have also, learn my lesson.
I dont ever want to feel like this again.
It was a nightmare, a living nightmare and it is just a horrible experience.

The bright side of the experience? Well as Muslims, we are thought to believe in hikmah which means the positive benefits from God that comes from hardships.
So among the hikmahs, I met many many good people who wanted to help me, for free. And they were good people. I wouldnt have known them if I werent sick.
Another hikmah was that I found myself at another place, granted its a bit far from my workplace in the city and the neighborhood is kind like a gheto but my apartment is peaceful.

And most importantly that I need to remind myself is that I must learn my lesson and not cross the line.

Again Syukur Alhamdulillah.

There be pictures

2007-12-08T11:45:20Z

I got a phone with a camera sometimes back but due to just a lot of things going on in my life since coming to the city, I havent come around to put up any pictures in here, which was one of my intent, to share with you whats lifes like in this side of the world and share an insight into my life.

For starters, heres a picture of one of my cats that I often write about in the blog.
I took this a while back when I went back home. I hope you like it.

Getting rid of poison

2007-12-07T13:40:01Z

I did something significant and in just a short term of a month, I already feel much better in many ways.

You
see, I got away from a very negative person. He hates my race (even
though he is also from the same race) and Islam. Everytime we talk, it
is always filled with negative talk against Islam or the malays.

Even when I was sick, he used my situation to take advantage of me.

When he realized that I was trying to just go away from him, he got mad and used every thing that I told him against me.

But
you know what all these months in Kuala Lumpur and feeling miserable,
after escaping from him and avoiding him, I already feel much much more
positive.

Even as I was sick, I can feel myself free of the extra negativity from him.

I
realized that I felt indebted for him for helping me out when I first
came to KL. But then I realized that all that I been through with him
was just poisonous to my well being.

Now, it has been a couple of months that I am free of him and Alhamdulillah my life is much better.

It is true how our surroundings can affect us so much.
It is true that we must have positive friends in our life and we must choose wisely.

Update: Trying to be positive, me, a nomad in KL and my psychotic housemate

2007-12-01T09:36:10Z

I just want to update you guys on whats going on in my life right now.
I am not yet 100% well but Im much much better than a few weeks ago. Well enough for me to come here and write.

Right now, just want to let you know that I have moved again. Since July, this is the 4th place I had to move to!
It is just unbelievable!

I found out from the police a couple of days back that the guy I had been renting a room with in November is mentally disturbed!
I knew something was fishy but I was sick and busy with work that I really didnt pay much attention to things at the house. But I knew this AFTER I moved out-ran away from the place after he threatened to kick me out of the house if I didnt clean my room.
"Clean your room or Im gonna kick you out"
He is 50 and Im 34 and that was some weird shit. He acted like I was his kid or something. I rented the room for RM400 bucks!! Its so expensive and I need my privacy!
Oh, did I mentioned that he comes into my room when Im not home?
I just decided that Im not gonna take this crap anymore so I moved out. Im sick and Im just so stressed with work. The last thing I need was some pervert hanging in my room.

I went to the cops when he threatened me. It was at that point that the cops told me about the guys history. The guy been divorced twice and had moved to that area because he wanted to be close to his kids and ex-wife. He had been harassing his poor ex and things are not just healthy. They were curious how I ended up staying with the guy.
What can I say? The last place I was staying before that (no.2) was going to be sold so I just look at the papers and there he was.

Part of me is grateful and thankful that God saved me and I got out safe but dude.. I am sick and tired of moving! I know its just a small matter but its tiring to move around.

A friend of mine has an apartment that he wasnt staying in so he let me stay there for a while. And then I know why he and his family is not staying there... they got some "problems". The place is "infected". Im not gonna say demonic problems becoz he kept saying it isnt. but dude, the place is just off. Its a pity becoz it was a nice place and I had actually planned to stay there longer but man, when you get "attacked" every morning, its just not safe for me to stay there any longer especially since I am slowly recovering again.
Hes a believer in all these stuffs but thats the limit to his knowledge. Thats why we bonded becoz he been through some "experiences" too so we can talk about this things together.

So I went and found myself a whole apartment for the same price I paid for my one small room that I escaped from.
The downside?
Its really on the outskirts of the city.
Its a bit far.
And its kinda like a ghetto.

But I was in a rush and I had no choice.
Signed the agreement and paid the deposit and everything. So I had been moving my stuffs slowly and this morning I officially moved in.

I am right now a mixture of relief and nervous about being in a new place.
Of all the 3 places I moved into, I never felt this nervousness before.
Tonight is my first night there but the little time I spent there this morning gave me a good feeling.

Lets be positive about it.
Oh yeah Im gonna write about what made me sick in another time ok.
Im just glad to be given the strength to come and write again.

I am slowly recovering

2007-11-24T13:33:45Z

Syukur Alhamdulillah. I am now slowly recovering.
It is just very slow.
I am thankful to those who had pray to God for my well being.
When I am fully recovered I will try to explain what is happening to me.
For now, I just want to inform you that I am still here and recovering.
It is just been slow but I am thankful and grateful to Allah for giving me the opportunity and strength to write again. Alhamdulilah.

I am unwell

2007-11-01T13:25:14Z

I am unwell
please pray to Allah to heal me so that I get better.

Thank you.

*If I survive this, I will explain more.

I love a woman but I cant have sex with her

2007-10-25T11:13:16Z

She came back after years of being separated
Now that I have her in my life again
I dont want to lose her
I want her in my life
I love her so very much

But there is one barrier
I cant have physical sexual relations with her
Its not that I dont want her, I do, I need her
She knows I do
But I cant have physical relations with her
no kissing, no sex

I can only have physical relations with a person who is my wife

But I know I love her and that love is true
She knows that
She knows I care for her

She needs to process
I need to process too because all I know I cant just stop loving her

"For these times"

2007-10-18T17:11:19Z

For These Times
Leslie Satcher (BMI)

In these times in which we live
Where the worst of what we live
Is laid out for all the world on the front page
And the sound of someone’s heartbreak
Is a soundbite at the news break
With a close shot of the tears rollin’ down their face
Blessed be the child who turns a loving eye
And stops to pray
For these times in which we live

In these most uncertain hours
Where the balance of power
Is a fight that is fought every day
And freedom is a word
Some cry out and some whisper
And some are just too quick to give away
Blessed be the one who stands by the one
On the battle line
For these times in which we live

Well give me a heart full of tender mercy
And arms I will open wide

For these times in which we live
Seems like the only answer is
Givin’ up on findin’ one at all
And we hide behind unsure
Pull the blinds and lock the doors
And hang a pleasant picture on the wall
Blessed is the believer who knows love is our redeemer
And the only breath of life
For these times in which we live

Well give me a heart full of tender mercy
And arms I will open wide
Yeah give me words full of loving kindness
And hands ready to hold up a light
For these times in which we live
For these times in which we live

Happy Eid Celebrations!

2007-10-15T03:01:08Z

Eidil Fitri is one of the biggest celebrations in Islam.

It comes after Muslim experienced the month of Ramadhan where you are required to abstain during the day from food, water and sex. You can do all that after the sun is set. It is also called the fasting month. It is a month of tests where Muslim learn the value of abstain. We do this because of faith. Hopefully through fasting, we understand what people who dont have food and water feels like, learn empathy. So then, we can empathize with them and help them. InsyaAllah (God Willing).

This morning that Im writing this is the 3rd day of Eidil Fitri!
Things has been busy here because it is custom in my country to have an open house.
Open house is like a party, where people are welcome to our house to eat and drink with us. Imagine if the whole neighbourhood is having open houses, its like a big party!

I want to wish all Happy Eidil Fitri!:)

First Malaysian blasts into space

2007-10-10T14:00:45Z

Just now at 9.22pm the first Malaysian was blasted into space with the russians.

it is a proud day indeed.

he will be spending a few days with the russians at their space station.

here wishing him all the best!

dream inside a dream

2007-10-08T09:45:49Z

I rarely dream. Rarely. Or maybe I dont remember them.

But I had this dream about a girl I met at the hallway of my office. I met her yesterday night, she was with her friend in front of the surau (mini mosque) at the office. She approached me, she wanted to know about what time the surau closes.
Turns out, she just started working here last week. She was working for the sister paper of the newspaper im working for which is also under one roof.
Anyway, she gave me her number and asked me to text her or call her if I know what time the surau close.

After I got the info, I text her but the strange thing was there was no reply back. There was no acknowledgment that she got my message. I was worried maybe I typed in the wrong number. So after work I dropped by her office, and there she was saying she got my message but were too "busy" to reply.

O wow, that was rude. But not wanting to ruin my evening, I just push it aside and just want to go home.

Somehow in the early morning (before the sun was up), she called and we talked. I cant remember what we talked about but it felt like everything is ok again and etc so I went back to sleep.

Now
Heres
the weird
thing,
I wake up and I remembered talking to her on the phone
but something didnt feel right.
So i check my cell phone...
and
it says, no calls came in and I didnt make any calls that morning.
I sat there, thinking I just had a dream, recheck the phone because I was so sure we talked
I look at the clock, its still early in the morning like 3am or something..
Still sleepy
I slump back to dreamland

then the phone rang and it was her
so we chatted some more
and I cant remember what we talk about other than that we did
after the call, I went back to bed

When I woke up at 6am!
I remembered our phone call.
but felt something was amiss
deja vu
she didnt call me
it was another dream of an earlier dream. (!?)

2 dreams, about the same thing, one after the other. woke up in the middle. went back to sleep for part 2.
how weird is that?